1. What is the first blog you ever followed?
I wish I could tell you. I wish I remembered. But, I don't. Suddenly, my blogging ways have slipped into mindless clicks upon Pinterest pins and zombie-like (how topical) saunters into how-to posts and wacko paleo carb-free clean-eating no-fat no-sugar no-preservatives no-sodium no-flavor recipes. But, I will tell you this. Rachel Schultz is my favorite. Rachel Schultz is my Martha. Rachel Schultz is my Rachael (Ray). Rachel Schultz has no effing clue who I am or that I yearn for her photos and her apartment decorating skills and her ability to make everything pretty and perfect while being a totally normal 20-something all at once.
2. What was your first blog post about?
You guys. I had a LiveJournal. In like... 2006. I don't want to talk about it. But, it was probably some emo (is that still a thing? "Emo" is like the 2010 version of "Goth" and I'm now in my late 20's so I'm probably dwelling in dated-phrases-land) post about some boy I had a crush on that would later turn into Tori Amos-y song lyrics. Oh my God. I said Tori Amos. Let me fix that. Um... Lorde. Sara Bareilles. Pink. Taylor Swift on anti-depressants on a rainy day in walk-of-shame attire in five years.
3. Who left you your first blog comment?
Probably my mom.
4. Who was the first blogger you ever met in person?
My husband and I started a food blog last year and went out for a food blogger meet-up. And I'm not going to lie... we felt totally out of place. I didn't realize "paper straws" were a thing. Also, why is this post sounding like I'm a totally bitter, seasoned, cynical old hag who hates the blogging world? I love it. And you're about to find out why.
5. What was your first “blogging milestone?”
There once was a time that I blogged to exercise my writing muscle. I have now learned that pretty pictures are vital to blogging success, hence my "hair-tossable" super stats (not really but I like to pretend) on my Peach Cobbler post. But, the best thing I have ever written was on February 17, 2009. I have since privatized my old "bigcheex.blogspot.com." But, I have decided to bring this old gem out of the vault and share it with you now. I'm not kidding, kids. I think Tina Fey would be proud of this shiz.
A Beginner's Guide To That's What She Said
In 1992, Mike Myers made an earth-shattering statement that would forever alter the potential for sexual innuendo in everyday conversation. As a frizzy-haired Garth muttered, "Are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding it" (in reference to an oversized photo of Claudia Schiffer), a quick-witted, holey-jeaned Wayne Campbell responded with: "Yeah. That's what she said."
But, alas, as time pressed onward, "That's what she said" quickly dissipated into the plaid, grungy garb and butterfly clips and orange SNICK couches and WWJD bracelets and Third Eye Blind hits of the nineties. Every now and again, it would manifest itself through casual banter between middle school boys as a mere snicker. It reserved itself for only the true gutter-dwellers and was sometimes replaced by statements such as, "If I had a nickel."
Then, the unthinkable happened. Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin, induced a new era of double entendre. The "That's What She Said" Renaissance began. Four words. Four words to turn normalcy to vulgarity. To make your colleagues either love you or hate you. To make brilliant mockery of your elders. To make a rainy day GLORIOUS.
Anyone who knows me knows that I view any and every utterance that is remotely venereal as a brilliant opportunity for "That's What She Said." It is my life force. The blood that pumps through my veins is Type TWSS. Because, if you can't turn everything into a sex joke, you're probably living a life that will only end in Valium and regret. As a highly-acclaimed, full-time professional double entendre spotter, I feel it is my personal duty to bestow upon you and all other TWSS novices, my knowledge and experience with this lifestyle. Because it IS, in fact, a lifestyle change you are about to make should you choose to accept it.
You may be asking yourself these questions.
What are the appropriate times and places to say, "That's What She Said"?
Anywhere at anytime. You may want to start out easy: amongst close friends who won't judge you or with drunk, skank ho's who are too inebriated to catch on. As your dexterity increases, move on to colleagues and coworkers. Try restaurants, libraries, nursing homes, churches. The world is at your fingertips. (Everything I just said? ... That's what she said).
Who is "she"?
She's a slut.
What are some examples of "That's What She Said" opportunities?
Ease into it (that's what she said). Start out with obvious ones. Someone says, "Oh, could you just stick that in here?" Or, "That's too big." Or "I'm all wet!" These people are blatantly asking for it. Eventually, you will be meticulous enough to catch on to less conspicuous remarks like, "I had to put it in the trunk" or "Put it in my cup, will ya?" or "I didn't feel anything" or "I'll be down here" "Don't touch that" or "Be done already!"
What if someone is offended by my saying "That's What She Said"?
Job well done.
Can I say "That's What She Said" to children?
Of course. They've gotta learn sometime.
What if I get fired for saying "That's What She Said"?
These are the sacrifices we make for the sake of comedy.
I'm now up to twenty-five "That's What She Said's" an hour. Will it ever stop?
That's what she said. And no. No, it won't.
As you embark on your new day of innuendo catchery, I leave you with this video of every that's what she said from "The Office." Learn from the greats. Let them inspire you. Dwell in the gutter. Dwell long and dwell hard. That's what she said. Hit it.
Linking Up With
I have a clue who you are!
ReplyDeletecan we talk about how much i love the fact that you just wrote a post on TWSS history. thank you, thank you.
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